Insults

In anticipation of vacation, and the promise of being on the beach again, I find my mental faculties waning. Just imagining the breeze, remembering the briny smell, and looking forward to perfectly barbecued bluefish has rendered me a bit brain-dead ahead of time. Not to mention the irritation of making lists of things that need to be taken. I'm a terrible list-maker and no matter how many days I chisel away at the list, I will invariably forget something important.

Therefore, since I can't think, I have nothing original to say today. But a friend sent me one of those "viral" e-mails (not an e-mail containing a virus!) that gets forwarded all over the internet, and this time it was a good one that really made me laugh. So I'm going to spread it further.

It's a shame that people don't seem to be this witty in our era. Following are many examples of proof that the "diss" really is an art.

When Insults Had Class:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...

followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"