Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Babe-isms Gone Wild

An Apologia

For some weeks now, I've been avoiding this particular post, because I have not been able to figure out how to structure it. You see, much of the joy that issues from the mouths of babes is heavily context laden, and it's always spontaneous. It's fair to say that many times, "you hadda be there" to understand why statements [or misstatements, as is often the case] are worth recording. So, having confessed that I cannot figure out a framework with which to weave these bizarre locutions together, I hope my Gentle Reader(s) will grant me license. I am sure that the final product will be gibberish, and will prompt the audience to say to me, as one of my esteemed professors once so tenderly did, "You have failed to achieve art."

So be it; let the babes speak for themselves and illustrate the regular but unpredictable fun we have around here.

The Babe-isms

The following treasure trove of nonsense was committed by Tyke over the last two months:
  1. [Blowing his nose] "Mom, I think I have overactive snot glands."
  2. [Of a strange little scarecrow decoration on top of a snow-measurement pole] "What is that little puppet thing with a pumpkin head? Oh, I know. It's a scarecumber!"
  3. [With no context whatsoever] "I have a wide variety of elbows." And later, "You have baseball arms!"
  4. "Get off my touritary!"
  5. Said "Cari-ba-bi-en" instead of "Caribbean"
  6. [Matter-of-factly, in reference to a girl about age four in a cashier's line who was chewing something, and whose father asked her what was in her mouth, to which she replied "It's a paper towel"] "She's eating paper because she's going to be a model. That's how they stay thin."
  7. [Of other kids in the car taunting him about how his hair looked] "Who says you can't have a lefty comb-over?"
  8. [Of the speed limit] "We're going six-ta-buh!"
  9. [Of snacks in the car] "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to convigate the chips!"
  10. "Mom, is there a school for the uneducated?" (I give him a long, cold, hard look.) "No, I mean, a school for people who don't want to be educated?"
  11. [Of a recent dream, in which he stood on top of clouds] "I wasn't very heavy. Maybe half an ounce. Not very poundy."
  12. [Of the challenge of eating ice cream in hot weather] "Soft ice cream is harder."
  13. [Of some minor charaacters in the play "Annie"] " . . . the butlers and butlesses . . ."
  14. [Of a hair clippie] "Where's the whore? I mean, the hair?"
  15. [Of a business sign missing letters] "Eeeww, it says European Odors." Older brother: "No, it's European _otors, as in 'Motors.'"

R., friend of older brother, in car: "Elephant Butt National Park?"

S., older brother's girlfriend [While in Yankee Candle flagship store, sniffing some bizarre bath soaps shaped and scented like ice cream scoops, and putting one up to my ear] "Mrs. L., Mrs. L., listen to this!"

Not to disappoint, there are more! But when I look at them, I cannot remember the context that made them amusing. So I will have to query the perpetrators, and return to this hodgepodge in yet another installment.


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